Odd Halloween

Odd Halloween

Wouldn’t it be funny if…

Two pumpkins walk together down the street. As they pass a supermarket, the little one says to the big one, “Daddy! Daddy! Can we carve a human this Halloween?”

A broom zips by, flying on the back of a witch.

A black cat passes under a ladder, dropping a glass salt shaker onto a mirror, shattering both, and ending the universe as we know it.

Spiders and snakes race away in fear as small children chase after them.

Dracula and his bride sit in a pizza parlor, eating garlic bread and watching Frankenstein do a comedy act for a large group of villagers.

Wolfman walks into a barber shop and asks for ‘A little off the top.’

Freddy, Jason and Michael Myers sit in a theater, screaming in terror as they watch ‘Dumb and Dumber.’

Zombies sip Champaign in a café.

Leatherhead stands at a rack of ‘Get well’ cards, deciding between a smiley face card and one with a pretty flower on it.

The children of the corn and the creatures from ‘The hills have eyes’ are having a vegetarian picnic in a park.

Stephen King sits in a field of flowers, reading a book on anger management.

Goblins stand around a fire, holding hands and singing ‘Kum by yah.’

Ghosts wait at a Laundromat for their sheets to dry.

The Mummy sits on the sideline with his personal trainer, getting re-taped.

The Loch-ness monster is taking pictures of Bigfoot, standing on a billboard waving and saying, “Here I am, look at me.” But no one notices.

‘The Blob’ and ‘The Thing’ elope.

Tokyo sued Godzilla for damages.

A bat flew into an eyeglass factory.

The Monster Mash was a trash compactor used to recycle old, worn out monsters.

Translations

Translations

‘I’ve got a great investment for you.’
Translation - I’ll get my money from you, but the odds of you actually making money off of this are about the same as a tornado dropping in the middle of an active volcano and sucking all the ash back inside, like a giant vacuum cleaner.
Examples - comic books, baseball cards, stocks, antiques

‘This is a great deal!’
Translation - hold on to your wallet, purse, checkbook, credit card, etc. and don’t even think of purchasing.
Examples - anything with the words ‘time’ and ‘share’ in it.

‘You won’t be sorry.’
Translation - oh yes you will.

‘You’ve got real talent’
Translation - not enough talent to quit your day job and make a living of it, unless you already own your own company.
Examples - songwriting, playing guitar, writing, photography, pretty much everything I was hoping to get rich from. (dang!)

Collectables

When are ‘collectables’ not collectables?  Does anyone really know. I’ve seen packages of the most interesting things with the word ‘collectable’ on it.  Perfumes? and Jams?, I didn’t know they were collectable.  I guess when you come down to it, anything you collect is collectable,  however, when someone sells you a ‘collectable’ of some value, you expect that value to be retained.  But what is value?  When and how does it rise and fall? Some mysterious time between the time the person who sold it to you walks away snickering, and the time the so-called ‘expert appraiser’ callously and recklessly digs around through your treasures, possibly damaging them, only to peer down their nose at you , tell you it’s worthless, and give body language of ‘you wasted my time with this?’ leaving the hopeful ‘collector’ crushed, devastated, dragging their precious ‘collectables’ back home to store them in the hottest or coldest place they can find until the next time some so-called ‘expert’ presents the promise of “$$$CASH$$$”. It has all become about greed. This rookie card is ‘worth’ this much, that antique is ‘worth’ that much. It is only worth that much to 2 people. The person who has it, and the person who really, really wants it. The rest is just an excuse to sell books and magazines telling people what these things are worth.  What ever happened to collecting for fun? I know what happened, the ‘experts’ don’t get any money that way. Me, I think I’ll start collecting rocks. They’re free, and next time the ‘experts’ come back to town, maybe I’ll show them my collection, in a very unique way. I’m looking forward to it.

Disposable letters

Dispos ble letters  by   Mich el Kelso

     Wh t letters of the  lph bet could you do without?  I w sn’t sure myself

 until I foolishly left my word processor within re ch of my three sm ll

children for merely   moment,       eventu lly re lizing this w s more   th n

enough time for them.  Returning to the scene of the crime,  I found keys

missing.  Which ones?  Let’s just s y that if the keybo rd w s the United

St tes, ‘w’  nd ‘s’ would now be be chfront property.  I se rched fr nticly,

but resigned myself to the highly unple s nt t sk of se rching through

di pers in four to six hours, hoping to find, (thoroughly s nitize)  nd return

my missing keys.  H ving to complete  n  rticle in less th n three hours, I

found myself more underst nding of the predic ment th t   P ul Sheldon

suffered through in Stephen King’s cl ssic, “Misery”.  Stumbling through

wh t I h d  lre dy written, I h d to rewrite without the missing letters.  My

 diction ry  nd thes urus  uickly bec me my best friends.  I m n ged to

m ke it just in time to meet my de dline, but the lesson w s le rned.  If

you w nt to find out which letters  re dispos ble, turn your b ck on   room

full of toddlers, they’ll help you find out re l  uick.  I hope to eventu lly

find my missing keys.  I fe r they  re in the place I suspected.  Will I

return them to their home on my keybo rd?  I’ll never tell.